Evolve

So in the last year I’ve been working on my art and especially my watercolor work. This is the title piece of a concentration I’m doing called “Don’t Look”. It’s meant to be a illustration of anxiety symptoms. This is Evolve, and it’s about how we adapt to having a mental disorder and how there can be a desire to heal from it.


 

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All of this aside, I believe my personal anxiety isn’t getting better, but I’m becoming better at coping with it. This is really good! Even though I’m jittery even as I write this now (my legs are very wobbly) I’m going to continue about my day without having a meltdown. I think I lost my phone (I’m very forgetful) so that is the source of stress today. It is also almost Christmas and I need to prepare presents for everyone. I don’t know what to get for my three friends, they are very special to me and are all nerdy boys. I’m not sure what to do. I could get them hats or make them cool (and manly) jewelry. Do you have any ideas?

Maybe I’ll just make some food and be done with it. (haha)

Thanks, and Happy Holidays,

Sam

I’m Alive!

Hello, I am back.

I know it’s been nearly a year since I last posted, and I apologize for the break. I felt like I didn’t really have anything interesting to share and that my posts were unexciting and dishonest in my representation of how I view the world.

However, I am creating more than I ever have again and I have reset my perspective on life (somewhat) and I am ready to return to posting!

I am going to be posting more of the work I share with people I know in real life, rather than making posts specifically for my blog. I feel like that will be more personable then my short, awkward paragraphs about things I saw or thought just because I felt I had to update my blog. Therefore, my posts will be fewer and farther between, but hopefully there won’t be any long breaks between posts anymore. (lets see how long that lasts).

Anyhow, friend. I hope to see you soon.

Sam

Siblings

My brother and I could have been twins.
“I can definitely see the resemblance,” people say.
Me too.
We both have blue eyes, brown hair, and look a bit younger than we are.
But his eyes are blue like the clear sky, and his hair is the color of wet sand.
My eyes are more like the ocean, and my hair is the color of dry firewood.
Story returns after a weekend out revving like an engine, while I come back wilted like a flower that’s been watered too much.
Story walks about the house with energy drinks swinging from his fingers and enjoying the caffeine racing through his system.
Caffeine overwhelms me; I prefer to press a mug of hot tea to my sternum until my breath comes out warm.
Story loves the summer and the winter. Extremes. He hates the in-between coolness of spring and fall.
“Everything is dead.” he says, “It’s useless and ugly.”
I love the fall and the spring. They’re my favorite seasons. Cool but not cold, warm but not hot.
Beautiful.
I hide everything. My body, my emotions, my strength.
Story’s light is like the sun, beaming from him always.
Any power I possess ripples under the surface like a cat as I skulk through the house.
I treat Story horribly.
I get irritated and angry, I never appreciate his kindness and wisdom.
When we were children I sat by as two other kids kicked him on the ground.
When he was bullied in Montana, I could do nothing for him.

I will never sit idly by again.
He is one of those people who have souls like baby birds.
Precious.
I will do anything for him.

Happy Birthday Story

Nightmares

Hello Friend,

Do you ever worry about something so much that it becomes a nightmare? Then does that nightmare become so vivid it chases you into the light and starts bothering you and giving you heart attacks in the daytime? That’s what has been happening to me. I keep dreaming that my friends Haley and Zoie, my ex Boyfriend Guthrie, people I should have taken care of commit suicide, even Aiden sometimes. It is really vivid and horrible and it’s worse because I know that its all my fault for not being there. These people are all fine by the way, well I don’t know about Zoie I haven’t heard from her in almost a year. Usually I oversleep but lately everything has been messed up and I don’t know why this is happening now of all times.

Thanks for listening Friend.

Finals

I hate finals week.

I know, not uncommon. But the strange part is I’ve always loved tests (no homework) and never gotten much test anxiety.

Freshmen year I walked into school completely prepared and was instantly crushed by a weight of fear. What I didn’t know is that I completely absorb other people emotions, especially strong negative energy.

During finals week the school is absolutely rank with insane nervous energy and it effects me so heavily I could be shaking within minutes of being in the school and by the time I get out I am so exhausted I can hardly stand much less study, and I absolutely do not want to return the next day.

Do you have a problem similar to this my friend? I’m sure I will talk about this again sometime but for now finals week is nearly over and I am relieved to nearly be done.

Dark

Hello Friend,

I hate being scared, which is unfortunate because living with anxiety means that I am often scared. But as a kid I had much more basic fears that were a lot easier to conquer than my fear of other humans. Such as the dark.

I found out that I was terrified of nightlights more than the dark. With a nightlight, especially a bright white or red one, there is pitch black and only this tiny dot of light you had to cling to and hope that it wasn’t demon eyes or something (I don’t know ok I watched a lot of scary old animations, like the Last Unicorn and The Hobbit). But I found that if you turned off the light, sure it was terrifying because you didn’t know what was happening, but the soon your eyes adjusted and you were in this warm and musky version of everything that was so much quieter and gentler than normal.

I think that’s kind of like life. You think you need this intense light to guide you, and a lot of people live their whole lives with this artificial crutch.

But if you turn off the lights, you’ll find that the longer you stay in the dark, the more you see.

Illogically Cuddly

Separate you and I are hard and lean

And together we are a tangle of elbows and knees

Chapped lips and tired feet

You are made entirely of muscle and bone

And yet in all of the places I’ve lived and slept

My place on your rib cage feels most like home

Friends Who Remember

Hello Friend

This weekend there was a ski race in Durango, but I wasn’t able to go because of money and grades. It’s never fun to be left out, it always stings for me because I feel like I won’t be missed. That’s how it goes with my friends I think. If I’m not there, who cares?

Aiden, who is on the team with me (you may remember him from my post a Co-Design) told me that the team named everyone after a nut for some reason and that I was a pine nut. I know it sounds really stupid but it makes me really happy that they thought about me.

I’ve been sitting at a different table with Aiden and his brothers and our friends then the friends I usually sit with for a couple months now. Sometimes I go back, and one of my friends asks me why I don’t sit with them anymore. I always say I don’t know.

I’m terrified. I’m scared I annoy them, that I’m annoying. That they forget about me that they don’t think of me and they never will because I’m not good enough. Maybe these fears are all in my head but it affects me all the same. But I’ve seen my “cool” friends decide that they don’t like someone and then just isolate them out of nowhere. How can they just do that? Can’t they feel all that pain? I don’t care what those people did, rejection registers as physical pain and I don’t think anyone deserves that. I’m scared that one day that’s going to be me, and its better to space myself out and surround myself with people who love me and can show that they love me so I don’t live in constant doubt.

So yeah. Sorry about the rant, but I have to put my feelings somewhere.

Until next time, Friend

Galaxies

So I was thinking about eyes, and how pupils absorb light, and I thought, “Hey, maybe black holes are pupils and galaxies are just really big eyes but we dont know because they’re so huge? And maybe our eyes are really galaxies and the cycle goes on forever and you have universes in your eyes?”

Anyway.

Interesting things.